Predicting Happiness in Marriage

     I came across an interesting book called  "The Habit of Happiness," by Leslie Parrott. In the chapter titled, "How to Predict a Happy Marriage," he discussed a study done  by Dr. Terman to predict happiness of marriage or the lack of it.  The study included 792 diversified couples across the United States.  Some couples went to college, some didn't.  Some were married for a year, others for more than thirty, so the couples ranged from newlyweds to grandparents.

   Dr. Terman gave each couple a battery of quizzes, personality inventories, profiles, and other standardized tests.  When the tests were complete, the professor privately interviewed each couple, beginning with the question, "By your standards has your marriage been a success".   If the couple answered yes,  Mr . Terman found that certain characteristics showed up in the personality of the woman and another set of characteristics were found in the man.  The findings were consistent with other studies done on this particular subject.  Dr. Terman believed , based on his study, that certain characteristics are predictable in the man or woman who will be a good person to live with for the rest of your life.  The characteristics are as follows:

The characteristics in a woman who will be a happy person to live with:

• has kindly attitudes toward people in general.  
  
• is not only is kind to others, but expects kindness from others.   It is often found that we receive from other people what we expect.  Harsh attitudes reap harsh reactions, whereas kind attitudes reap kindness. 
  
• is not easily offended
  
• does not see social relationships as rivalry situations

The characteristics in a man who will be a happy person to live with:

• has an even and stable emotional tone
• who is happily cooperative with you and your family
• is committed in practice to equalitarian ideals in your marriage
• who is benevolent toward people less able to help themselves
• who tends to be unself-conscious and somewhat extroverted.

According to Dr. Terman, if you are married to a husband or wife with these characteristics, you should consider yourself fortunate.

What about those couples who answered no to the question regarding their state of happiness in their marriage?  There were three reasons at the top of the list on why:  

(1) Selfishness:  unhappy husbands saw their wives as only loving the children or only interested in their own families and seeing their husband as a convenient means of support.  Unhappy wives often viewed their husband's primary interest in work or golfing buddies and only using them as object of sex and dependable housekeepers

(2) Complaining:  Each thought the other was unreasonable in their demands, and hopeless beyond reach in the things they complained about.

(3) Lack of Affection:  Any one who  cannot give affection has difficulty in receiving it - over time this puts a strain on the marriage.

My personal view:   Life is about personal growth and marriage is another opportunity for us to become the best version of our selves.   A study like this allows us to take an inventory of our marriage and ask the questions,  "By your standards has your marriage been a success?"  "Do I fit the characteristics of a woman or man, who one should be grateful to be married to?"  And if your marriage is unhappy, does yours fit within the top three reasons why, found in Dr. Terman's study. The best part of this thing called life is at any moment we can change our thoughts, actions, and words to improve our lives and those around us.